And a lot happened.
For the past year I was mostly a carer. For my mum and since October for my dog as well. And over the past months, both deteriorated more and more. Until last wednesday, I had to put my dog to sleep. Around 2, I cam home from the vet. Cried, mourned and felt only sad and empty. When a phone call from the nursing home came that my mum had a collaps and I should come. And so I accompanied her to her end a while later.
Both were the centre of my activities and attention for the past months and now there is nothing. Which makes me feel a little lost. Lost in my way, lost in my focus.
Right now, I'm organizing the funeral and all the other bureaucratic things one has to do when someone dies. And I began emptying my mother's flat. Yes, I could have done it already while she was in the nursing home. But somehow, it didn't seem right. I had asked my brothers to come and look if they wanted something. But the bulk of my mothers stuff is still here. And what amount of stuff. Not interesting and/or precious. Just stuff. Piles of magazines (yes, stacked neatly and collected in boxes but still piles). Already I moved boxes over boxes in nice clothes to a charity. Together with boxes full of cook books. Nothing against cook books, I like them as well, but my mother's taste was totally different from mine and in the end, she just bought them indiscriminately. Whatever book was new, she bought. Some were still wrapped in foil. She was not a messy. She always had someone to clear up and clean (mostly it was me) but she was a hoarder of stuff. And no, I was never allowed to throw anything out. And now, I am drowning in her stuff.
And I miss my dog. I'm a dog person. I love to have a reason to walk. I miss our daily 10 - 15 km. I miss his (attentive) presence. And although I always said, I didn't like walking. I miss it. So much that I walk into town to get some execise. Though it is not about sports. It's about the movement per se. The walking or cycling, the not being still, the not being motion-less. I didn't live without a dog now for nearly 20 years. Or more precisely, I lived with dogs since I was 6 with only a few years break in between. And now there is none.
On friday is my mother's funeral. I'm looking forward to getting a sense of closure.