The last days I was cranked, wound up and felt itchy in my own body, all at the same time. While my brain is meandering about fish shapes and how to realise them in 3D and fabric, I tried to keep my hands occupied with some quilting on the large blanket, felt dissatisfied with it, packed it away began sorting my fabrics came across some quilt tops I started so many years ago, I can't even remember when, and tried to work on them for a while. But you know how it is, the disquiet and restlessness is still there. And it didn't help that DH had to work the weekend and came down with the flu sunday evening. Some people are not the best patients.
Yesterday was worst. I was cranky, moody, didn't want to talk (which is not easy with two other people in the house who love to talk the whole time) and began blaming alternately DH, my Mum and myself for it. (The only highlight the whole day was DebG's beautiful smile, I still smile when I think of her picture.) I stitched a bit here and there, spun some yarn for mending holes in some sweaters, sewed on some buttons and finally succumbed to stupor while at the same time not being able to sleep. And I had terrible dreams. Which made waking up this morning not better.
But I have two dogs who don't have any sympathy for cranky, tired humans who would just love to get back to bed. So I went on my usual early walk in the woods. It was foggy. The kind of fog that hangs between the feet and drips from the trees. It is wet and your breathing opens up because of the humidity. You don't see anything and every sound is so much louder. I was a bit later than usual. It was still dark but the birds were already active with the occasional owl hooting in between. Enveloped in the external fog, my internal fog seemed to clear up. I had one light moment after the other and in the same flow the external fog got gradually lighter, my mind became serene and my heart calmed down.
- There is Glennis' indigo workshop beginning next week, for which I really have to clear my workspace and set up a fermentation vat. (something which has priority, the fermentation vat needs some days to get going in this cold)
- I have to sew some more fish (that is always the problems with commisions, you have a fixed date and you need a certain number, but it can't be helped, no way out of it, especially since I don't want out).
- I'm still carrying around a commision for a woven blanket for a friend. (more on it further down)
- I want to stitch more more more on a new project.(very important but I can do it in my own time, no need to rush, it doesn't go anywhere)
- I need some more clothes, spring closes in and I need to get going with my sewing. (I'm not going naked, just not in the clothes I want to wear. That's all.)
- And then there is this thing, I really dread: a spin retreat at the end of the month.
I am really bad with people. In the sense of shy bad. Too many people and I don't feel secure. And whenever I don't feel secure, I come across as arrogant which doesn't really help to loosen things up a bit. But on the other hand, I want to go, even if I dread it. Among all the unfamiliar people there are some old friends I don't see very often. And I want to be able to spend some time with them. And - even if it costs me a lot of courage - it is important for me to get out. To meet other people. So I will go. But it already weighs on my soul.
But at least I feel calmer, now that I found the source of my disquiet. And I even solved a design problem on my walk. The woven blanket.
It was a trade with a friend. She is a wizard on the knitting machine and DH needed a new sweater. Like most men, he seems to live on a perpetual heater, so that he prefers his sweaters a bit thinner. Which means knitting with sock yarn. In anthracite. Plain coloured. Without any pattern to break up the monotony of a plain anthracite large sweater in sock yarn. My friend said, this borders on a reason to divorce. I wouldn't go that far but I agreed that knitting machines have their advantages. So she knitted this boring plain coloured anthracite large sweater in sock yarn on her knitting machine and in return I offered to use up some of her stashed yarn in a woven blanket. When I got the yarns, I could see why they ended up in her stash and stayed there for years. The colours, the material, the yarn itself - simply yikes.
So I tried a wide warp with vertical stripes. Nope.
A small warp with horizontal stripes. Definitely not.
And I even began knitting a long vertical colour repeat. Booooring and, um, no.
But this morning - eureka - I finally realised: I can use every fabric as I like. Woven ugly yarns are, in the end, just fabric. I am not limited to traditional vertical or horizontal stripes woven on wide or small warps. I can weave long stripes on the backstrap loom and then cloth weave them on a woollen back. Or sew them together for a larger fabric. I am free in using it as I think fit. In my mind, I can already see that even these ugly yarns can make something good this way.
So, apologies for the long entry. I think I needed to write it down to get it out of my system in a way. And to keep it as a reminder that the fog will dissolve, even if it sometimes means going out into the tangible fog first.
Now, I'm off to my dye workshop, clearing up for the upcoming indigo jam session ;o)